I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
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Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
do u think theres a butter planet?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
The internet is full of many things
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.