The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
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Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
it is time once again
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?