My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.