ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
jesus christ confetti not now
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along