The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Grandmother clock.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical