Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
You Might Also Like
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Welcome
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’