The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?