*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again