Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Customize Your Wedding.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Mornin
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad