If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”