My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”