universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
termite twitter scares me
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay