When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?