ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
We decided to have money instead of children.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.