I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My brain is a bad influence on me
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers