AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.