my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Siri, fight Alexa.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Lassie, get help!
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”