[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
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So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I drew y’all a little something.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years