My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH