You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you