Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.