If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.