Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow