Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”