[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
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[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
this is the best interaction on twitter
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I love wikipedia
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.