4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”