My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
You Might Also Like
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
True freaking story!
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!