You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My dress code is business-casualty.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I feel it
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.