Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive