invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.