Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol