At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
When they try to steal your moment.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.