the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I just ran a .003048K