Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.