[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Natty or not?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
This is enough internet for the day.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.