My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Tuesday
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
The police never think its as funny as you do.