Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.