I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life