Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You Might Also Like
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
be careful
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
happy mother’s day❤️
Animal poetry