100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met