A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
much to think about
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.