humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
You Might Also Like
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
FINE, I WON’T.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My Sentiments Exactly
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist