My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.