Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters