How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Carpe DM
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
That’s what I call a flat tire