I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
You Might Also Like
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Life with a cat in one tweet
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland