Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
When you’ve simply given up.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.