when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
somebody come look at this
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.