DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.