Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area